someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Randomize
