The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
Randomize
