Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
