Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
