I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
I still have a little drunk in my system
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Randomize
