Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
