Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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