Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
