while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
