YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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