Got a toothbrush?
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Randomize
