she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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