i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize