I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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