I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Randomize
