that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
