Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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