My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Randomize
