i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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