I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
