If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
