he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Randomize
