i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Found your dick twin last night
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
