My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
She's JV to your varsity
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Houston, we have a blender
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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