How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Randomize
