i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
