Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Randomize
