I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I think I am morally bankrupt
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
