dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize
