I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
