honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
