Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
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