Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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