what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
