Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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