I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
