If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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