hotel room ftw
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
