im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
