I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
