fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
