the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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