Betty ford says i'm here all night
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
