I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Bring me that man meat
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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