Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
