how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
