I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize
