I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
