I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
