Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
