so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
