I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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