How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Randomize
