I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
Randomize
