Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
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