apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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